Steph’s last scan was January 4. We have another scan this week. When your loved one is fighting cancer, life is lived scan to scan. Birthdays happen. Holidays happen. Milestones and personal growth happens. But truly, the only thing that really counts is the scan. The anticipations is far greater than the days leading up to Christmas. It’s hard to describe. I don’t want to know, but I need to know. I pray for good news, but it’s so much more than that. It’s a need. A need to know. It comes from emotions that run deep, so it’s just so much more than anticipation for an event like Christmas. It’s all consuming.

We have tried to stay busy this winter, but it’s been tough. We skied four days. It was a lot fun, but it definitely wasn’t the euphoric high I had envisioned in my head. The kids loved it – but quickly pushed us to ski advanced terrain, something Steph and my legs weren’t prepped for. The older two start sailing next week. In Maine. The first week is capsize drills. 40 degree water can take the wind out of you, so they need to be prepared. They are required to wear drysuits, so they should be fine and it’s actually a point of conversation and smiles for us lately.

Maybe I put too much emphasis on the scan, like it’s some magic information that will give us all the answers. The truth is, we are still in a fight, and a scan won’t change that. It might give us a glimpse into what the next two months might look like, but that’s about it. But it’s what we have, so this is a big week.