We had an appointment with the oncologist Tuesday. I have had a hard time processing the whole experience so I haven’t been able to write. Prior to the appointment, we were advised that Steph would have to attend alone, but I could attend via video conference. Our thought was, surely they will make an exception under these circumstances, so I took her to the appointment. I was stopped at the entrance, and sure enough, I was not allowed into the building. This was the initial meeting to develop a treatment plan. I was furious, sad, and felt utterly hopeless. I watched Steph walk down a long, sterile hallway alone.

By the time the phone rang, I was absolutely void of emotion. A good friend, who is a doctor and has been helping us through this, says your body will shut down and only allow you to feel emotions that you can handle. I think he is a wise man and I think I was at that point.

Do you have any questions?

Nope, I’m good was my response. I lacked the energy to have a discussion, or maybe I don’t want the answers to all the questions bouncing around my head. And the truth is, we have had several consults with hospitals around the country, and this is the standard care that they all have recommended as a first course of treatment. So questions like how effective is this stayed buried. Frankly, Steph is one to win so maybe its better not to ask.

So Steph starts the standard of care treatment Monday. Chemo. 2 days of it, followed by repeat in 3 weeks. 3 rounds. Then evaluate.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. One thing I know is that she is strong and can handle it, but it’s incredibly hard to watch the person you love have to go through this.